Aaron Hertzog

Five Olympic Athletes and their Superhero Counterparts

US Men’s Basketball: Batman
While their combined wealth may not rival the Wayne fortune, they aren’t doing too bad for themselves in terms of riches. Plus, we all know NBA players will keep the playboy image alive. Also, the theme for this year’s team is Redemption, after their parents (The 2004 Olympic team) were gunned down by a crazy homeless man (Puerto Rico.)

Kerri Walsh: Rorschach
All the attention the mysterious black spot on her shoulder has been getting is distracting viewers from the real allure of women’s beach volleyball: the butts! Along with the strange mark on her shoulder, Walsh is strong, agile, and able to withstand harsh conditions (like sand in the b-crack.) The Olympic games give us a chance to show our nationalism, and a major threat to Walsh’s chance to win gold come from the Chinese teams. Commie bastards.

Nastia Liukin: Robin (Carrie Kelly)
Her father was a loser (while being a silver medalist isn’t exactly on par with being a forgetful, idiot stoner who isn’t sure if he has a kid or not, we’ll call him a loser just the same.) She’s on a short list (only the third US woman to grab an all-around gold medal vs. one of the few female Robins.) And although she’s 18, she could probably pass for a 13-year-old, which for many is called “The Jackpot.”

Michael Phelps: Captain America
You thought I was going to say Aquaman didn’t you? I bet the entire time you’ve been reading this article, no, ever since you saw the title, you’ve been thinking “oh, I bet Michael Phelps is Aquaman.” Just sitting there in your cubicle, wasting time on your employer’s dollar, thinking you’re the king of it all. Well, nope, Michael Phelps is not Aquaman, and you know what, you’re boring and average and predictable for thinking so. I bet your friends hate hanging out with you. I’m sure you bring nothing interesting or thought provoking to the table when you are around. You just sit there, breathing up all the air, nodding your stupid head in agreement to everything your friends say. You wouldn’t want to spark up a debate or say anything interesting, now, would you? Keep it up, lemming.

Usain Bolt: The Flash
Because he’s really, really fast.

History’s Mysteries: Abe Lincoln

I wrote this for last night’s Bedtime Stories. Dave Walk from Comic Vs. Audience was kind enough to film and edit it. Kent Haines, Pat Barker, Chip Chantry, and Doogie Horner were kind enough to be in it.


HISTORY’S MYSTERIES: Abe Lincoln from d on Vimeo.

Don’t forget about the BLOOPER REEL!


History’s Mysteries Blooper Reel from d on Vimeo.

Future Parents Just Don’t Understand

Read it at CollegeHumor! Please.

Sixth Year Senior: Film vs. Reality

Ready it at CollegeHumor.

Thanks.

Same Band, Different Fans

Pearl Jam
True Fan: They incorporate so many styles, there’s classic rock, punk, post-punk. They are socially and politically relevant. And you can tell they just love to play music, man, without getting caught up in all the corporate BS.

Frat Boy Fan: Dude, just, dude, bro, shut up and put on Black. You know I friggin’ rock that song! I sound just like Eddie Vedder, listen bro, listen.

The Shins
Long-Time Fan: This is great pop music. They are almost a throwback to ’60s rock. Catchy and melodic, it’s fun music but is also really relatable.

Fan Who Saw Garden State: I totally saw Garden State.

Journey
Your Parents: This music speaks to me and my entire generation. It’s just about livin’ and lovin’ baby. Livin’ and lovin’ in a little place called America.

You: Everybody! Get in here, stand around. Seriously, no, seriously, everybody get in here. You know a party is not a party until…Just a small town girl!

Eminem
Hip Hop Fan: Nobody can mess with his flow, even when he’s experimenting he’s on another level. He’s got crazy interior rhyme schemes and his wordplay and metaphors are sick!

14-Year-Old Girl: Look at him, he’s so cute! Look at his eyes, baby blue, baby just like myself.

Miley Cyrus
14-Year-Old Girl: You know she’s my age, right? She would, like, totally hang out with us. We should go to her concert and find her, we’ll be besties for-ev.

45-Year-Old-Man: Mmmm, yeah Miley, look over that shoulder at me. You naughty girl, you. I bet I came in and you were doing something you shouldn’t have been doing. Did I catch you being bad? Do you need a spanking?

Weezer
Old Weezer Fan: Their songs are just so truthful, they speak to me. That’s me, in my garage with the stuff that I love just day-dreaming away.

New Weezer Fan: I do not exist.

I’m In This

For like a second. But the real reason you should watch it is because Doogie Horner is hilarious.


Ministry of Secret Jokes Instructional Video #1: How To Dress Mysteriously from d on Vimeo.

I. Can’t. Wait.

Shows, Shows, Shows

TONIGHT I will be participating in the Omniana Battle at The Ministry of Secret Jokes. I will be taking on defending champion Steve Gerben in a battle of wits. Here is a video of him knocking off former champ Pat Barker at last month’s Ministry.

NEXT WEDNESDAY, JULY 2 I will be performing a guest set during the Philly All-Star show at Helium Comedy Club. I will be performing with some of Philly’s best comedians (hence, All-Stars) Tim Grill, Pat Barker, Steve Gerben, and Chip Chantry. The show starts at 8pm, and will be a great time for all that attend.

MONDAY JULY 7th I will be performing at the Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge St.) in the Comic Vs. Audience Comedy Show! This new show is part of the Philly Improv Theatre’s week at the Shubin. I will be performing with Josh Bennett, Steve Gerben, and a secret comic to be announced soon.

WEDNESDAY JULY 9th again at the Shubin Theatre for the monthly theme comedy show Bedtime Stories we will be showing a sketch that I wrote and recently recorded with the help of some friends. Dave Walk from Comic Vs. Audience did the filming, while hilarious comedians Kent Haines, Doogie Horner, Pat Barker, and Chip Chantry co-star in the sketch. This month’s theme is American History, and the show will feature sketch comedy and stand-up from some of the best performers Philly has to offer.

Variety is the Spice of Life

Employee: Welcome to Taco Bell, how may I help you?

Customer: Uh, hi. Um, I’m sorry, just give me a second, It’s my first time here.

Employee: Take your time, sir.

Customer: Ok, I heard your Chalupas are good, what exactly is that?

Employee: Well, it’s just like a taco, but instead of a tortilla it comes in a deep-fried flatbread.

Customer: How about a Gordita?

Employee: It’s pretty much a pita bread taco.

Customer: Ok, um what sides come with the value meal?

Employee: You get your choice of either a soft or hard shell taco.

Customer: Really?

Employee: Yes, sir.

Customer: So, with a deep-fried taco, or a pita bread taco I get a regular taco?

Employee: Well, the whole Chalupa isn’t deep-fried, just the bread…but yes, you get your choice of hard or soft shell taco.

Customer: All right, how about a Taco Salad, what comes with that? Some beans? Rice? Corn?

Employee: You get your choice of a soft or hard shell taco?

Customer: You mean the thing you just reverse engineered and put on my plate, you just put one back together and put it on the side?

Employee: Well, we don’t actually take a taco apart for the salad. We just make it that way.

Customer: Yeah…

Employee: Any other questions, sir?

Customer: Three Taco Meal?

Employee: Fourth taco.

A Former High School Athlete Previews the NBA Draft

Michael Beasley
Kansas State
Forward
Ht: 6’8”
Wt: 238
DOB: 1/9/1989

Beasley is coming off one of the greatest freshman seasons in college basketball history. He is an elite athlete with great length, quickness, jumping ability, and strength. He has a soft touch around the rim, and NBA three-point range on his jump shot. Beasley is…holy crap I just noticed that he was born in 1989. Wow, does that ever make me feel old. Jeeze, my little sister is older than him. Is this guy seriously going to be a top pick in the NBA draft? I mean, he wasn’t even alive when the Ninja Turtles came out. He couldn’t even talk about Friday’s episode of Full House in school on Mondays because he wasn’t even in school yet when Full House went off the air. Here’s my new player assessment of Michael Beasley: I would have completely owned this kid. His weaknesses are he throws a hissy fit whenever you play keep away from him, he runs and tells his mommy when you call him a queer, and he cried when you told him that Santa Claus wasn’t real. I would have found out what girl he had a crush on, and then told her in front of all the other kids and watched him get embarrassed when she said he was icky. Wait, why wouldn’t the girl like him? He’s a basketball Jesus. He could probably dunk when he was nine. While I was busy collecting all the sweet Ninja Turtles action figures I could get my hands on he was practicing his post moves. He’s six years younger than me and probably went through puberty before I did. I bet he was banging senior chicks when he was a freshman. When did I become such a mess? Why didn’t I have somebody put a basketball in my crib. I’m 6’6” why am I not in the NBA? I’m such a waste of space. All that wasted time…why didn’t I just go to the gym, it would be me with the million dollar contracts and the shoes named after me and my picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated. OH, GOD PLEASE just let me wake up tomorrow and be 13 again, I’ll do it all over, I’ll do it right this time. Or let me go back in time and talk to myself, I’ll tell me what an idiot I’m being and to get up off the god damn couch! Like, a couple hours a day that’s it, you don’t even have a summer job! Stop making yourself as a character on NBA Live and go shoot some frigging hoops, you’ll be on the game for real. Ooh, I bet Beasley’s going to be a beast in Live ’09. I can’t wait to play a franchise mode and fantasy draft him on the Sixers. That’s all they need, a good power forward and they are going to be a contender. When’s the release date for Live…let me look that up…Holy Shit! They are making a new Ghostbusters game! I am never leaving my room again!